October
9, 2013
By Jessica Shaffer
I
began to revisit my blog page the other night, and came across a very painful
blog post I had posted a year and a few months ago on July 19, 2012. It was
entitled, “Speaking from the Heart” - my public journey with trying to conceive
a child with my husband of seven years. To say that it picked at an open wound
would be a lie. You see, even after my petition of thirty days of prayer and
fasting I saw no blessing. Quite frankly, I felt like a failure. I asked myself
why? Why would I be made to look like a fool? I sunk deeper into the rabbit
hole that I was trying to get myself out of. If anything I wanted to throw the
towel and call it quits.
Through
the latter part of 2012 I struggled with my faith. I struggled with the
promises God had laid upon my heart, and I couldn’t get why I had to keep
fighting for what seemed to be so simple for other people. I became angry and
resentful. Through my pain, I ate my way to 247 pounds of detestation and self-loathing
– I was self-medicating with food. But then, I turned a corner.
January
of 2013 was the start of a revolution. Like everyone else I began with
resolutions, promises of bettering myself. I like so many others began to
wonder what I could do to make myself happier through my despair. Like the
three previous years before me, I joined Jentezen Franklin’s corporate
fast “30 Days of Prayer and Fasting.”
Simply for me, it was the Daniel Fast – but what I didn’t realize was how it
would change my life drastically.
During
the Daniel Fast, I allowed myself only Biblical programming, health channels,
and positive documentaries. Through the process I felt an urge to make changes
in my diet and exercise. Through the recommendation of my cousin, I joined a
local gym, I started juicing, and I started becoming health conscious about all
my “food-cisions.” Slowly but surely I saw the old me looking back at me in the
mirror. I remember standing in my robe, bent over the sink, looking straight
into my own eyes and saying – “you’re coming back.” The weight loss was the
least of my cares; though beneficial to my cause I realized that I was fighting
for what was mine. Even though I felt like I was, “so over it,” I really
wasn’t. No matter how hard I tried walking away from my promise, my heart and
faith kept walking me right back to where I needed to be when I needed to be
there.
Once
I finished the fast, I kept up with the exercises and healthy eating. I was even
convicted of letting go of soda since it was a major crutch in my dietary
habits and the number one reason I teetered with diabetes. As time kept progressing I openly vocalized
with God in my office as I sometimes do while I listen to William McDowell. “God,
if you are listening to me. I give up. I’m going to stop begging for this
child. I just can’t do it anymore.” Funny thing how God works, because this
upset the Lord as it had me, not but one week later he strongly spoke into my
heart through the First Lady of the church. He clearly said, “DELAY HAS NOT
BEEN DENIAL.”
My
heart broke in half. I wept like I had never wept before. You see, through this
journey God had been molding me in to the strong woman I needed to be. Through
all of the pain I could see the pieces coming together to represent my
painting, my promise, my journey. Though I fall on my face, though I kick and
scream, and threaten to walk away from it all – God calmly speaks to me, not
yet my child. Not yet.
 |
| Gary and I - August 2013 |
You
too might be going trough a walk with Christ where you think, God where is my
blessing? Where is my promise? Just like the words of William McDowell’s song,
“I Have a Promise,” you are going to see it. God doesn’t plant seeds in our
heart so that we suffer wondering why they are there or why they won’t grow. He
places that seed in our hearts so that we realize we need to nurture it, how we
need to fertilize it, and he tests us just when we need it to show how bad we
want that seed to turn into a harvest.
During
this time of Fall Harvest, look around at all the blessings you have received
over this past year. God has not forgotten you. He has not forsaken you. All
things come in due time – and HIS timing is the best time for us. I may not
understand why I have been made to wait seven years to have a child, but I do
know a few things. My children have been dedicated to Christ long before they
have come along, their purpose is greater than anything I can dream of, and
when I finally end up holding them in my arms no heart will be able to contain
the joy I will have to see them finally be a part of Gary and I’s life. Keep
strong, your promise is coming.
Speaking from the Heart
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
By
Jessica Shaffer
This is
going to be tough to write. But I feel like this is something I have shared
with a handful of people in my life. And if you really know me, you are aware
of the struggles I have been through to conceive a child with my husband. This
is me pouring out a very intimate struggle, and in doing so, I’m asking each
and every person who reads this to join me every single day for the next thirty
days to lift me and Gary in prayer…
There
is no greater pain in the world than to want something that seems so simple,
yet so unattainable. This urge has become numbing. It has given me a
roller-coaster of emotions that never seem to cease. After 5 years of
attempting to get pregnant, I'm beginning to get weary. There were a couple times,
that Gary and I both saw two lines. We were elated, but just as quickly as we
learned we “were…” we suddenly weren’t. To say that losing a part of you is
painful is an understatement. As contrived as it sounds, there are no
words to express the sheer magnitude of grief you encounter.
The
desire to have a child is biblical. Psalm 127:3 states, “Behold, children are a
gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” The Hebrews regarded children as a
blessing from the Lord (see Gen. 13:16; Ruth 4:13-16; 1 Sam. 1:11). They are a
reward and heritage, bringing joy to their parents. Rearing a child is a sacred
responsibility, and parents must depend on the Lord to help them guide their
children. I realize that the desire to have a baby is far greater than simply
giving birth to a part of your own flesh and blood. It’s the most delicate and
innate desire for a woman to have. Simply put, it’s the best gift you could
ever have from Jesus.
I
painfully read the scriptures of Sarah and her barren womb, along with the
stories of Leah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. All these women were
afflicted with the deep-rooted desire to birth a child of their own. Their
struggles were very real, and also very excruciating. I’m not going to
let others tell me that I’m different than these women, because frankly we all
share something very much in common. Our allegiance, dedication, and motivation
are the same. We love and praise God, and this intricate yearning is a seed
that has been planted in us from the moment we were also knitted in our own
mother’s womb.
My
aching is very genuine. Sometimes it hovers over me like a shadow, other times
it seems like a distant dream – but all the same it has become an overwhelming
desire that is bursting at the seams. I do not write this for you to feel sorry
for me, instead for you to understand me, and to join me in this very raw
journey. There are very many other women who understand what I am going through
right now. They understand the depression that can creep up without warning;
they understand the sleepless nights of wonder and prayer. They probably also
understand the very private moments, when you are alone and sob until your
cheeks sting. They know and understand how difficult it can be when your body
can’t and won’t cooperate to create life. But I’m taking a stand, and I’m
saying loud and with all the faith I can muster, and I quote these verses:
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
LUKE 1:37 NKJ
37 "FOR WITH GOD NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE."
37 "FOR WITH GOD NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE."
MARK 9:23 NKJ
23 JESUS SAID TO HIM, "IF YOU CAN BELIEVE, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO HIM WHO BELIEVES."
23 JESUS SAID TO HIM, "IF YOU CAN BELIEVE, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO HIM WHO BELIEVES."
MATTHEW 17:20 NKJ
20 . . . IF YOU HAVE FAITH AS A MUSTARD SEED, YOU WILL SAY TO THIS MOUNTAIN, `MOVE FROM HERE TO THERE,' AND IT WILL MOVE; AND NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU.
20 . . . IF YOU HAVE FAITH AS A MUSTARD SEED, YOU WILL SAY TO THIS MOUNTAIN, `MOVE FROM HERE TO THERE,' AND IT WILL MOVE; AND NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU.
MARK 11:24 NKJ
24 "THEREFORE I SAY TO YOU, WHATEVER THINGS YOU ASK WHEN YOU PRAY, BELIEVE THAT YOU RECEIVE THEM, AND YOU WILL HAVE THEM.
24 "THEREFORE I SAY TO YOU, WHATEVER THINGS YOU ASK WHEN YOU PRAY, BELIEVE THAT YOU RECEIVE THEM, AND YOU WILL HAVE THEM.
I
am making a very strong request. And I am begging to those who take this
seriously, to make a very strong commitment with me to pray and fast for the
next thirty days. I need strong believers in Christ, to help me break bonds. To
help me break any chain that is holding this blessing from Gary and I. I am
begging for a community of believers like us, to join us and shout to the
heavens, “God nothing is impossible.” This journey begins July 23,2012 – join
us, and lets prove that miracles still happen everyday.
